WANDERING, NOT LOST

To someone.

Congratulations asshole, you fucked up your only friendship here.

Happens too often.

My hair and outfit look so damn good. I have nowhere to go. This is my worst nightmare! I mean, not really, but I hate when this happens. I just wish I had someone to look good for so I can call them over so it wouldn’t go to waste.

Religion is shit.

Unfortunately, I see my life going in the direction of one of those people who are so bitter against the church because of too many experiences with horrible Christians. I consider myself a believer, a Christian if you will. But I don’t go to church anymore. I haven’t for a long time.

I used to though. I was doing a pretty good job of it too. I was on worship team. I was a small group leader. I went on local missions trips. I was involved in every way possible. Then it became clear to me that I was doing all those things because I felt like I had to. And I had this lightbulb go off in my head, like, what IF church wasn’t there? Who would you be without it? And I couldn’t figure it out. I took a break to discover who that was and it went well for a while. It felt good actually. I even went back and liked it but then I stopped again because I felt uncomfortable again. What started out as a break turned into something else because of people.

Every time I have considered going back, I experience an encounter with one of “those” christians and it reminds me why I stopped going to church altogether in the first place. There is one person in particular I have in mind that keeps me coming back to the “I hate christians” place in my head. They are a different person then they used to be and that’s what gets me. Why do you have to all of a sudden “be” a christian. Why can’t you just be yourself, believe in God, and love others. Because that’s the real difference right? That’s what it’s all about, right? And yeah, of course there’s the part about living your life for Him but does that mean you have to change how you talk? And how you view people? Does being a christian require being close-minded? Because it seems like a lot of them live that way. 

It just sickens me. It really only makes things worse when I try to tell christian friends about this issue and they just judge me even more. Yeah, thanks. What you just said to me? That. That’s gonna make me want to come back. 

Oh life.

How you can be so cruel sometimes. 

I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life but I’m faced yet again with not knowing what direction to take. At least I’ve narrowed it down to marine biology. I have a job that I love, but it’s not a job I want forever. Do I stick with the job and work my way up? Or do I spend a shit ton of money on a graduate program that will only add to my debt?

Or perhaps move out of the USA. But do I find work in another country? Or go to school in another country? Would that actually help? Who knows. 

At this point, I’m just going with the flow but trying to figure out what steps to take to move forward because right now I’m just running in place. 

“he” is definitely a contributing factor to this pensive state of mind. But that, my friends, is a whole different story.

Blessed.

I am so thankful for the people in my life who have been so accepting of who I am. They are essentially the ones that have brought me back. So here I go.

This feeling of liking someone with the good possibility that they don’t feel the same way back is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world. 

I need to stop being such a fckin people pleaser.